Posts Tagged "motherhood"
Are YOU awesome?
I’ve lost track of the numbers of people I’ve met who have no real sense of what their individual talents and passions are. ~ Sir Ken Robinson Earlier this month, I lamented my inability to write a bio. Being between projects makes it difficult, but so does being the mom of young children. With all our focus on the needs of other people in the household we may find that we don’t know ourselves very well anymore. The time away from work also messes with our identity a little, especially if we begin to reassess our goals, dreams and values in light of our new roles as parents. The longer we are away from the workplace, the more we begin to notice that our society tends to define people by what we do and what we are good at. And if you spend the majority of your time conversing with preschoolers and wiping noses and bums, it’s easy to lose your grip on what your other talents may be. But perhaps the problem runs deeper. Perhaps it wasn’t just born out of motherhood? I have a sneaking suspicion that even before I had children, I was easily counted in the numbers of people who have no real sense of what their individual talents are. This got me wondering why so many of us don’t know what makes us awesome. Why is it so hard for us to answer these questions: What makes me awesome? What makes me feel awesome? What are my awesome skills? Do you know who you are? One of the reasons is that some of us might not know ourselves very well to begin with. As young people, we can take for granted who we are. In our teen years, we may be trying on personas but it comes closer to experimentation that to genuine self-knowledge. Twenty-somethings can get caught up accomplishing things: checking off relationships, marriage, house-buying, career-building, and having children on that inner to-do list. We might never really take a moment to think deeper about who we are or why we are awesome long enough to actually believe we are awesome. It’s not such a surprise then that this issue still dogs us post-motherhood. Perhaps we’re just more aware that it IS an issue once we have children? Perhaps it’s the first time we’re old enough to think about it seriously? Furthermore, how many of us really make a point of nourishing our relationship with ourselves? Of being our own best friend? If we treated our friends the way we treat ourselves – only hanging out once every six months – it wouldn’t be long before our friends would stop talking to us too. Dr. Daniel Siegel talks about the ways in which meditation and mindfulness activate the same parts of our brains as do attached interpersonal relationships and he goes on to say that these practices are very like becoming our own best friend. Perhaps spending time getting to know ourselves is the first step to discovering our innate awesomeness? But even then, we may still struggle with self-appraisal, with figuring out what makes us unique. Have you found your thing? In his new book The Element, Sir Ken Robinson explains that successful people find themselves in their element. The element is the intersection between what you are good at (your talents) and what you love (your passion). Some of us are good at things that we don’t really enjoy but true success is found when we discover our element. Furthermore, the element also requires that you have the right attitude (a willingness to go for it) and the opportunity. This part seemed really key to me. Your element could very well be surfing but if you live in the desert, you may never find that out. You need both the opportunity and willingness to try surfing if you are ever to discover that it’s your awesome thing. So, by now, maybe you believe that you are awesome at something but you haven’t yet figured out what that thing is. Want to...
Read MoreStages of Motherhood
I have been surrounded by mothers of babies at a few recent events. Play groups. La Leche League meetings. Now that my youngest is coming up on two years old, I’m definitely not a mother of a baby anymore and around these moms chatting, I find myself falling silent, receding into the background and just listening. It’s become obvious to me why we tend to gravitate to mothers whose children are the same age as our own. Sure, it’s partly because they play well together and we can commiserate about ages and stages and share tips. But it’s also because we mothers are at the same stage of development. Here are some of the stages as I experienced them: The Bi-Polar Stage The first 2 months with a newborn hold wild swings from low to high. They are the days of being on cloud nine, elated and blissed out by this new being, by this new family unit you created. They are the days of utter and bewildering lack of confidence, of feeling completely out of your element and overwhelmed. You have no idea how in 3-36 hours your former life disappeared forever. You feel completely turned around and your emotions swing like a pendulum as you try desperately through a fog of sleeplessness and round the clock feedings to regain your footing. These are the days of questions, always questions. Questions for the midwife, for the lactation consultant, for your mom, for every parent you know or meet. The False Confidence Stage When your baby is about 6 months old you come out of your shell. You get talkative. You have opinions. You’re more confident about mothering and feel that you just might know what you’re doing. You’re getting the swing of it. But you’ve also had to eat your words on more than one occasion. You’ve found yourself doing things you swore you’d never do. You see the other side of the fence now so you’re also quick to talk about being more accepting of other parenting styles. You freely admit how wrong you were and you make an effort to be less judgmental. You know now how hard it can be, how motherhood doesn’t always line up neatly with your expectations, how intensely unique a baby’s personality can be from day one. All the while, you don’t quite realise that you’re going to get knocked on your ass a few more times before you get less vocal. You’ve come through the honeymoon and down the other side so you think you finally have it figured out but you don’t realise that you’re still residing in the baby realm. You’re stoked to share these moments of personal growth, these lessons because they were so profound, but nevertheless you mistake the journey of the last six months for a much longer one. You still don’t realise how much more awaits you. You feel like a weathered mother when the reality is that you’re still very green. Very green indeed. I’ve gone through both of these stages twice. I’ve done all of those things and I’ve watched other moms go through them too. Yet, it seems easier to identify the stages after you have passed through them than it is to pinpoint where you are at any given moment. As I watch these young mothers, I see my past self distinctly. I was there once. But it is a past self, which is why I tend to recede into the background when they start talking. They are getting support and nourishment from others at the same stage, and I am no longer there. Now, my children are 4.5 and almost 2. I’m struggling with discipline issues and sibling issues. I’m struggling with scary identity issues now as I begin to get more freedom again and as I face the possibility that my childbearing days are over. I’ve realised that though it seemed I learned so much and came so far in the first 6 months of parenting, it was just a blip compared to the learning associated with having...
Read MoreWrite Your Bio Challenge
Last fall, I wrote an essay and submitted it to Mothering magazine for publication–it was politely declined–and one of the submission guidelines was to include a short bio. More recently, I started working part-time as the office administrator for a local midwifery clinic. They have requested a bio and a picture for their website. These two unrelated events have shown me that nothing, absolutely nothing, not even a dirty toilet bowl, can strike me with paralytic procrastination like a request for a bio. I might even have scrubbed a clean toilet bowl rather than write these bios.(Ok, not likely). The bio for my essay did get done eventually, but the other one is still in extreme draft stage, probably due in part to the added difficulty of choosing a photo to go with it. Why is it so bloody hard to write a bio? I’d wager that part of it is that it really is hard to sum yourself up in just 2 sentences unless you’re one of those die-hard people that lives exclusively to throw themselves off cliffs using various types of sporting equipment. It seems easier to tell people what you’re all about when you’re extremely into stuff than if you’re a dabbler. What about when you’re a mom of young kids that take up a lot of your time, energy and focus? What if you haven’t earned a pay cheque (other than maternity leave) in the last 4 years? What if you never had a career and your degree was in General Studies? What about when your hobbies are a melange of this and that, with nothing that really stands out as defining you? I have seen introductions on various parenting boards that go something like this: “Hi, I’m Jane (32), wife to John (36), married on June 23 2001, mom to Jack (4) and Hannah (9 months),” and I vowed never to have a bio like that. I vowed that my bio would always be about more than the dates of when I got married and had kids. I vowed that there was more to me than that, despite the fact that my family really is that important to me. Especially lately I feel that the things that were defining parts of me have slipped away and I sometimes don’t know what’s left in this in-between-projects stage. Two years ago, my bio would have said this: Alison lives with her husband in their converted 40′ school bus, Eliza Brownhome. She runs an online store selling homebirth supplies and advocating for midwifery care. She is mom to a 2.5 year old boy and is expecting her second child in July. She likes to play with web design and is learning to knit. The current version of that bio goes something like this: Alison lives in a house that she keeps tidy but only moderately clean. She has a beloved empty 40′ school bus growing moss in a friend’s yard. She is a wife and a mother to two kids (4.5 and almost 2). She drives them around in a mini-van. She wastes a lot of time on twitter and facebook and though she knows how to knit, she only finishes 2 projects a year. Ok, so part of the problem is that I really am between things right now. Life has been in transition for the last two years and I was completely ok with waiting that out. But now, I see that we’re at a place where I can start moving again. And I’m faced with those Questions: What next? What do I want? Who am I? The other part is one of perspective and attitude. Though I was joking around, you can still tell that the second bio is written by someone who feels lost and doesn’t give herself credit. If I was looking at my life from the outside, would it be easier to see the themes? If I was looking at my days through a positive lens, would it be easier to talk about accomplishments? How about you? Would you find it...
Read MoreBalancing Needs When Baby Trumps Mama
Welcome to the April Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting advice! This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month we’re writing letters to ask our readers for help with a current parenting issue. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants. *** Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life It is easier to be emotionally responsive when you feel in balance. Create a support network, set realistic goals, put people before things, and don’t be afraid to say “no”. Recognize individual needs within the family and meet them to the greatest extent possible without compromising your physical and emotional health. Be creative, have fun with parenting, and take time to care for yourself. ~ 8th Principle of Attachment Parenting, Attachment Parenting International. Sometimes I think this oft-overlooked 8th principle is the most important principle of the Attachment Parenting philosophy. Sometimes I think that it’s the part that makes all the other principles possible. However, for me, it is also the hardest principle to implement. And I don’t think I’m alone. It seems that striving for balance and finding time for self-care are on the minds of most parents in some shape or form. There are a lot of sites out there rife with advice on how to do this. Jen Louden of Comfort Queen talks about renewal, comfort and making time for yourself, with coaching geared specifically for women. Sarah Juliusson from Mama Renew gives tips and offers workshops for mothers. Renee Trudeau wrote a book called The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal. Advice varies from lighting candles to attending week long child-free retreats. There should be something there for everyone. And in many ways, there is. However, dear reader, what does one do when trying to honour our own needs pits us against our children? I recently read Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, by Mary Kurcinka. The book outlines the different ways that a child can be spirited and has scales for rating your child on the various aspects. There is also a section where you rate yourself. I was reading the book because I suspected that my powerhouse of a four year old was spirited and he did come out mildly spirited based on our appraisals. What surprised me was that in some ways I am spirited as well (I think Kurcinka would term me spunky). And here’s the kicker: Rain and I are spirited in opposite ways (for the most part). He rated low on the things that I scored highly on and I rated low on the things he scored highly on. An example would be that Rain is fairly exuberant (for those familiar with Kurcinka’s book, you will recognize my attempt to use a positive label) and I am sensitive. Rain rates highly for energy; he is always wiggling, always on the move, always making noise. He can’t talk; he yells. He loves to bang on drums. I scored low on energy. I have always been quiet. As I child I preferred to read, colour or draw rather than join in on a team sport for instance. It drives me crazy that my husband shakes his leg or drums his fingers when relaxing on the couch. I tend to be still. I rate high however, on sensitivity. I am a far pickier eater than anyone in my family, I am always cold and I find noise extremely stressful. I am often reminded during the course of my day that excessive noise is used as a method of torture and as a means to end hostage situations. I have also been known to joke that having kids is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. When our house gets especially noisy, I feel myself tensing up and my reactions to otherwise innocuous behaviour become harsh and grouchy. I react like someone being attacked. I counter-strike. I understand that kids have lots...
Read MoreTrick of the Light
The other day, when I dropped Rain at preschool, he unzipped his coat, found a hook, hung it up, placed his boots neatly underneath and marched confidently off to find something to do. The teacher got him set up showing a younger boy how to use a set of plastic gears. I was amazed at how big he was, how tall, how grown-up, how helpful, how knowing. That night, he had a bad dream. I heard him crying and went to his room. In the dark, I held him. His little body shook and his voice broke with sobs. How like a baby he still was! I smoothed the curls on his sweaty forehead and offered him “a pinch.” His still-dimpled hand found my forearm and methodically squeazed the muscle, just as he used to when he was nursing at 10 months old. How strange that in the dark, in the night, he was still my baby, still clinging desperately to me as I whispered that he was safe. I have this same experience every day with his younger sister Noa. As she giggles and runs after her older brother, how cute and big she seems. How stubborn and determined when they fight, when Rain takes her toy and she defiantly shouts “No!” How like a little girl she is in the day-to-day moments of life. Walking, talking, climbing. Sit down to breastfeed and it’s another story. I trace the curve of her nose, marvel at the downy hair on her cheek, the pout of her lower lip. She sucks contentedly and I try again to memorize her face, just as it is. Suddenly she seems to be my baby again. Her face innocent and newborn-like, despite that her wee head is at least four times bigger than it was the day I first craddled it in my palm. One moment so big; the next so small. Is it a trick of the light? How is it that one moment we’ve finally gotten used to the fact that they are growing up and the next we are once again brought to our knees by the utter tiny-ness and dependence of them? Something shifts and we see how tightly they are still tied to us and then just as quickly the veil is drawn aside and they are running from us, laughing. I am often astounded that children can seem to suddenly cross into a new developmental stage all at once. I’ve seen this in my own children and in my friends’ children. Overnight they seem to shift from floppy newborn to chubby baby, from squirming toddler to running, jumping full-fledged boy. It is breathtaking and always provokes a complex reaction in me: part pride, part shock. There is always the sad surprise that I’ve had to part with the last stage without being asked, without preparation. Suddenly, it’s gone and I’m loving the next stage. How grateful I am to discover that just as suddenly there are momentary lapses into the previous stage. Would it be too unbearable to watch the speed with which our kids grow up if it weren’t for these tiny reprieves? I savour these as best I can. I record them with my senses, in my muscle memory, the weight of their bodies in my arms, the smell of their hair, the whisper of their breath on my cheek. I pack them away, knowing that quickly, suddenly, the light will change and the baby will be gone again. Time gently grants us this fleeting grace as she marches forward. A minute here, a minute there, a ray of sunshine as our babies walk confidently out of our...
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