We’ve got tantrums

Rain was never really one to have tantrums. Noa, on the other hand, tantrums about nearly everything. She is sweet, good-natured, generally quiet, bashful in public. No one believes us when we say that she can seriously flip out when she doesn’t get what she wants, like:

• If I don’t nurse her when she wants to

• If Aaron puts her down/doesn’t carry her everywhere

• If we move the chair (that she dragged over) away from the stove so she can’t help stir burn herself

• If Rain tries to hug her

• If we try to change her diaper

She says “Hey You!” to us (and Rain) if we do anything she doesn’t like and depending on how upset she is it varies between a plaintiff murmur and scowl to screaming and crying “Heyyyyyyy Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!”

Sometimes if she’s really upset, she’ll walk into the kitchen and lean on the fridge with her face on her hands and cry as if to say “no one understands; the only support I have is this fridge”.

Not that I leave her to cry on the fridge…I am a huge supporter of the idea that toddlers tantrum because they haven’t yet learned how to deal with overwhelming emotions and that they need compassion and help in those moments.

Nevertheless these tantrums are often hilarious.

I’m seeing Noa’s tantrums increase as she gets frustrated with her inability to communicate with us. At this age Rain could talk very well. Noa still sounds like the Swedish Chef to me most of the time. Yesterday, I found her pulling out the recycling in the pantry so I took her out and shut the door. She had a total melt down because (as it turned out) she was trying to climb the shelves to get the crackers. I gave her a cracker and all was well. I wish she could just say cracker.

On a related note, Rain has started having larger outbursts than he used to. This started after Noa was born and we moved. Both changes were very difficult for him. The other day, he threw a tantrum and he flopped backwards on to the floor right into a puddle of pee that I had been distracted from cleaning up because of his tantrum. Divine justice. I totally behaved like Nelson on the Simpsons; I pointed and laughed at him “You just threw yourself in pee!” He started laughing and the tantrum was over.

Some of the solutions that we use are:

1. Try to understand – especially in the face of obvious communication gaps with Noa, but miscommunication also happens even with very verbal kids.
2. Lighten the mood – find something to giggle about together without really laughing at the child or the way they are feeling. I keep my snickers over the dramatics private as much as I can but I do try to help the kids lighten up if at all possible.
3. Be compassionate – give a hug, give words to their feelings, be empathetic.
4. Give space – Noa occasionally resists any kind of sympathy and will push away from hugs or other attempts to soothe her. In those moments, though it’s hard for me, I try to respect her need for space.
5. Warn and avoid – of course we all try to avoid tantrums in the first place. So far the best way to do this with Rain has been to give ample warning about what is coming next. He does not adapt well to transitions and change so it is of utmost importance that he always be told how long until we leave, what happens after dinner, who is coming over on Tuesday, etc. etc. This seems to ward off most of our serious meltdowns.

Still, we’ve got tantrums – how about you? What do you do to deal with the intense emotions of your youngsters?