Turn It Up

This morning, the first thing I have to say is that I Love (with a capital L) Amber Strocel’s series Crafting My Life. It happens on Thursdays and happens to be one of the reasons I like Thursdays. Our kids are the same age (reversed genders though) and she got laid off from her job at the same time as I sold my business. I relate to her series about finding out what you want for yourself while managing the needs and wants of two tiny people. She had good things to say when I asked the Twitterverse about Mondo Beyondo – and I’m glad she did because I really loved taking the class.

This month her theme for Crafting My Life is dealing with negativity. All month, I’ve thought to myself, “What could I possibly have to say about dealing with negativity that wouldn’t be negative?!” I read her posts every week and found myself nodding, but it was speechless nodding. It wasn’t the nodding of someone who had something to add.

You want to know why?

Because my lizard brain, my protective (overbearing) negative voice isn’t just an occasional visitor, it’s a major part of who I am. I was diagnosed with major clinical depression when I was 21. That was all a long time ago. But even when I’m not clinically depressed, I consider myself a depressive. Kind of like an alcoholic might never think of themselves as cured, I think I will have to be on guard my whole life for those moments of slipping down the slope into a dark hole. I’m prone to negative thinking, pretty much all the time. I’m socially anxious. I’m a glass half empty kind of person. I don’t give myself enough credit. My self-esteem is in the moderate range. Oh and I worry. A lot.

I used to spend a lot of time trying to be different. But in the last few years, I’ve decided to be kinder to myself and I have come to accept a lot of these things are just a part of me. It’s ok to be introverted and shy (even if they aren’t our cultural ideal). I remember hearing about studies that showed that pessimists actually have a more realistic world view than do the optimists. I might prefer to wear the rose coloured glasses more often, but at least it’s reassuring to know that I’m not delusional. Most of the time.

I have come to accept that worrying, or preparing myself for the worst case scenario, is part of how I process things. I don’t do well with surprises, especially negative surprises so it helps me to work through the what ifs ahead of time. Usually–always?–the result is that things go far far better than I had anticipated. And that makes me happy.

It’s all well and good to be accepting of my quirks but I can also waste a lot of energy on negative what if scenarios and sometimes–often?–it holds me back from doing things. That part isn’t so great.

So what are the ways I cope with negativity?

I’m not going to lie to you, sometimes it takes a good cry.

But sometimes, it’s a really quick fix. It’s to put on an amazing song and TURN IT UP. Turn up the volume and turn up your attitude.

This song has been with me for a long time. It came to me in those dark days when I was young and I lived in a big old house with 5 friends. My room was on the top floor and had big windows and a balcony. It was a hot summer evening, the house was quiet and the night air was just shaking my curtains as I listened to CBC’s late night jazz show After Hours. The song touched me deep in my soul. Listening to that voice, those horns, even a depressive had to admit that life is full of moments for Feeling Good.

More recently, it was this song that made my heart sing:

I heard a cover of it on Songwriters’ Circle on CBC last week and I thought it was great advice for dealing with negativity from others:

Yes, but bear this in mind: A true friend is hard to find

Don’t you mind people grinnin’ in your face.

What songs do it for you when you’re down and out?