Posts Tagged "Parenting"
We’ve got tantrums
Rain was never really one to have tantrums. Noa, on the other hand, tantrums about nearly everything. She is sweet, good-natured, generally quiet, bashful in public. No one believes us when we say that she can seriously flip out when she doesn’t get what she wants, like: If I don’t nurse her when she wants to If Aaron puts her down/doesn’t carry her everywhere If we move the chair (that she dragged over) away from the stove so she can’t help stir burn herself If Rain tries to hug her If we try to change her diaper She says “Hey You!” to us (and Rain) if we do anything she doesn’t like and depending on how upset she is it varies between a plaintiff murmur and scowl to screaming and crying “Heyyyyyyy Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!” Sometimes if she’s really upset, she’ll walk into the kitchen and lean on the fridge with her face on her hands and cry as if to say “no one understands; the only support I have is this fridge”. Not that I leave her to cry on the fridge…I am a huge supporter of the idea that toddlers tantrum because they haven’t yet learned how to deal with overwhelming emotions and that they need compassion and help in those moments. Nevertheless these tantrums are often hilarious. I’m seeing Noa’s tantrums increase as she gets frustrated with her inability to communicate with us. At this age Rain could talk very well. Noa still sounds like the Swedish Chef to me most of the time. Yesterday, I found her pulling out the recycling in the pantry so I took her out and shut the door. She had a total melt down because (as it turned out) she was trying to climb the shelves to get the crackers. I gave her a cracker and all was well. I wish she could just say cracker. On a related note, Rain has started having larger outbursts than he used to. This started after Noa was born and we moved. Both changes were very difficult for him. The other day, he threw a tantrum and he flopped backwards on to the floor right into a puddle of pee that I had been distracted from cleaning up because of his tantrum. Divine justice. I totally behaved like Nelson on the Simpsons; I pointed and laughed at him “You just threw yourself in pee!” He started laughing and the tantrum was over. Some of the solutions that we use are: Try to understand – especially in the face of obvious communication gaps with Noa, but miscommunication also happens even with very verbal kids. Lighten the mood – find something to giggle about together without really laughing at the child or the way they are feeling. I keep my snickers over the dramatics private as much as I can but I do try to help the kids lighten up if at all possible. Be compassionate – give a hug, give words to their feelings, be empathetic. Give space – Noa occasionally resists any kind of sympathy and will push away from hugs or other attempts to soothe her. In those moments, though it’s hard for me, I try to respect her need for space. Warn and avoid – of course we all try to avoid tantrums in the first place. So far the best way to do this with Rain has been to give ample warning about what is coming next. He does not adapt well to transitions and change so it is of utmost importance that he always be told how long until we leave, what happens after dinner, who is coming over on Tuesday, etc. etc. This seems to ward off most of our serious meltdowns. Still, we’ve got tantrums – how about you? What do you do to deal with the intense emotions of your...
Read MoreMaybe Montessori
This is Part VII of the series Kindergarten Considerations in which I have been discussing (and wrestling with) the considerations behind the seemingly innocuous decision of where to send my four year old son to school. The next three posts are dedicated to a discussion of our top three options. This post looks at Montessori. Amber from Strocel.com recently pointed out that it’s going to be impossible to find a perfect school and I know she is right. I am aware in some deep recess of my brain that I can’t be too picky. I have to be realistic. I think we all choose the best option for us, for our circumstances. The director of Rain’s preschool has also reminded me (rightly) that no matter what school we choose, it’s going to come down to the teacher whether or not it’s a good fit for him. With that said, let me warn you that in the next few posts I will be picking apart all of our options. Which isn’t to say that I won’t choose one of them in the end. I should add my little disclaimer here that my comments about particular schooling philosophies represent my impression based on preliminary research and reflect our own family educational goals. My comments are not intended to suggest that a particular philosophy may not be the right choice for your family. Montessori A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that we were attending an info session for the local publicly run Montessori program. I went to the evening with an open mind and felt excited about checking it out. I only knew the bare minimum about Montessori. I knew that it had been around for about 100 years, that it was started in Italy by Maria Montessori and that it’s generally regarded as a very good alternative schooling program. I also knew that the children are allowed to roam freely around the room and choose materials to work with as they like. So far so good. The first thing they did at the info session was show us this video to introduce us to the basics of Montessori education. The learning materials and environment are intriguing and beautiful. I was encouraged by some aspects of the philosophy: the emphasis on self-directed learning and the addition of non-academic units like practical life. The staff, teachers and our local society seem sincere, dedicated and earnest. But the reality of the program here didn’t mesh with the fairy tale in the above video. The school, a former middle school, was large and imposing. The room on the second floor, though filled with Montessori materials was utilitarian with only two windows at one end of the room, located above a 3 foot counter. I tried to imagine my son trying to see out the windows or walking to his classroom, through wide corridors and up long flights of stairs. It didn’t feel very accessible to a five year old. In and of themselves those issues could be dealt with. It would only take a few weeks for Rain to get used to the immensity of the place. I feel more bothered by the lack of accessible windows really. But I also think back to when I would pick up my niece from Kindergarten. Everything in that whole wing of her school was kid size: tiny toilets, tiny water fountains, coat hooks at knee level, bright windows. Taylour’s kindergarten reminded me of my own and I wonder how is it that school has changed so much in the last 10 years that we no longer try to approach the child on their level? Moving on though. My impression of the space quickly bled into my impression of the philosophy. Keep in mind that I was there in the evening so I wasn’t able to observe children in the classroom, but to me, the program felt cold. Though the video talks about how much fun the children have while they are learning, we also heard repeatedly that the children would not be playing with the materials;...
Read MoreOn Finding Time
The struggle for time and balance seems fairly typical for most moms, whether working at home or away from home. I’m sure I’m no exception. I’m not a great multi-tasker. I work best once I get into a flow, say after about 20 minutes. Once I’m in that place, it’s very hard for me to shut off until I reach a pre-determined stopping point which tends to be task oriented, not time oriented. I don’t do well with setting the timer and working for X number of minutes. I like to check something off my list. At work I was very good at time management and at completing tasks. Deadlines, projects, to do lists. Yes. I’ve also had an on-again/off-again romance with day planners since First Year uni. I am not completely Type A, but I do have some pretty strong tendencies in that direction. At home, I feel like I’m either scrambling, avoiding, dropping the ball or time wasting. It’s an uncomfortable place to be. Before motherhood it seems we are pulled in fewer competing directions and our commitments have clearly demarcated time slots. Work time is work time. Self time, couple time, friend time can all be fit in around life tasks like cleaning, cooking, sleeping and errands. As a mom, there are no clear time slots for anything. It seems like all of these responsibilities need to happen at once, while caring for tiny dictators. I very rarely get a chance to get into my post-twenty-minute-work groove. I very rarely feel that I am working in my optimal range. I feel like I’m juggling all the time. For a klutz like me that is an incredibly unnerving way to live. My heart rate is shooting up just typing this. Clutter, disorganization, noise. They stress me out. I hold my breath. I feel swept away in a swift moving river and I start to panic. I have coping mechanisms but I haven’t really found answers. I focus on keeping the toys picked up, keeping rooms tidy. I write lists. But I also avoid. I check email, facebook or twitter, rather than trying to write or catch up on bookkeeping because I only have five minutes instead of forty-five. If I were to add up all those five minute chunks in a day, which are generally wasted on social media surfing, I would find I have much more time than I think I do. The reason I do this is because I haven’t yet learned how to break out of my need for compartmentalization. For 8 months, we had a mother’s helper who watched Rain four mornings a week while I worked. This is the closest I’ve come to finding a balance between self, work and mother. The rest of the time, the reality of working at home with kids is very different. I have tried working while the kids napped but if they wake early I often become resentful. I have tried working while the kids play. The task takes longer with the interruptions and in the end I am frustrated and stressed by the mess the kids have created while I was in my supposed work zone. Because of my need to work in that zone, I can get a bit obsessed with my projects. The more I work on a project, the more I want to, the more it occupies my thoughts, the more it competes with my children (especially if I was pulled away before completing a task). I seem to shift continuously between denial of self and selfishness. This isn’t exactly the compartmentalization I’ve been looking for. For me to really feel that I am managing my time in a positive way, I need to be clear about what is work time and what is family time. I want to be more present with my children and more present in my work. This delicate balance isn’t going to be a static place where I can stand still. I expect it will take footwork. I expect I will have to say no to some...
Read MoreLet Them Play
This is Part VI of the series Kindergarten Considerations in which I have been discussing (and wrestling with) the considerations behind the seemingly innocuous decision of where to send my four year old son to school. I had promised to share my thoughts on our options in this post but I got totally distracted by the idea that maybe school isn’t necessary at all. Rain can’t recite the whole alphabet; it still gets a bit jumbled and he doesn’t yet recognize all of the letters. He can recite to 10 when he feels like it and when he tries he can reliably count objects in groups up to 4 or 5. He doesn’t write his name. He wrote the letter R on the back of his Valentines but often elaborated by adding wheels, arms or flowers. I am totally fine with that. Here’s the deal. I have complete confidence in my kids’ abilities. They both demonstrate to me every day that they are very bright. I don’t care what age they learn to write their name or say the alphabet or count or read. I know with 100% certainty that they will do it and at their own pace. There will be plenty of time in the coming years for them to focus on academics and I don’t believe that they will be at a disadvantage from learning to read at 7 instead of 4 for instance. In fact, a recent study from New Zealand has proven that very thing. By age 11, there was no difference between kids who learned to read at 7 and those who learned at 4. “One theory for the finding that an earlier beginning does not lead to a later advantage is that the most important early factors for later reading achievement, for most children, are language and learning experiences that are gained without formal reading instruction,” says Dr Suggate. “Because later starters at reading are still learning through play, language, and interactions with adults, their long-term learning is not disadvantaged. Instead, these activities prepare the soil well for later development of reading.” “This research then raises the question; if there aren’t advantages to learning to read from the age of five, could there be disadvantages to starting teaching children to read earlier (at age 5). In other words, we could be putting them off,” he says. The above passage makes several striking observations in only a few short sentences. First, that the most important factors for later literacy are “early language and learning, while de-emphasising the importance of early reading.” Second, that play is vital for early learning. Third, it raises the question of what harm we could be doing by teaching reading too early. I have heard elsewhere that teaching reading before 11 for instance, shapes our brains in a linear order and can hamper our abilities to think laterally. These three observations alone are reason enough for me to feel relaxed about Rain’s academic career. We’ve got time for Rain to be a kid. We can focus on formal reading instruction in a couple of years. There are so few years in life when we are truly free of pressures, truly free to play. I want him to play, partly because it’s fun and partly because he is learning even while he plays. He is learning about respect, gravity, problem solving, shapes, empathy, conservancy, conflict resolution, following instructions, developing hand-eye coordination and fine-motor skills, and more all day, just by playing and experimenting. Interestingly, educators are starting to chime in about the importance of play. Last year, the Alliance for Childhood published a report, Crisis in the Kindergarten, about the lack of play in Kindergarten in the US. This report explained that there was too much instruction, too much testing, too much homework and not enough child-directed play. A New York Times article on the Crisis in the Kindergarten report discussed the lack of play in classrooms and also touched on some thoughts on creativity that are similar to those of Sir Ken Robinson. Thinkers like Daniel Pink have proposed...
Read MoreFire Together, Wire Together: Early School Experience
This is Part V of the series Kindergarten Considerations. In this series I am discussing (and wrestling with) the considerations behind the seemingly innocuous decision of where to send my four year old son to school. I promise to share my thoughts on some of our specific options in Part VI. I can’t promise to tell you what we decide because I still have no idea. I’ve been struggling a lot with some of the ideas that came up in my last post for this series. There’s a part of me that wants not to take the idea of registering Rain for Kindergarten so seriously. There’s a part of me that acknowledges that while public school isn’t the ideal learning environment in my opinion, in most cases it isn’t malevolent either. Many (the majority of?) public school teachers are incredibly dedicated and genuinely interested in their students’ success. I did well in public school myself. It is hard not to sound terribly elitist when claiming that public school isn’t good enough for our family. I can imagine the unspoken retort: “It was good enough for all of us and we all turned out fine. Get over yourself.” But I have to balance all of this with the undeniable fact that we are indeed shaped by our experiences. There’s a saying in psychology that neurons that fire together, wire together. Keep in mind that this is a layman’s description (I’m no psychologist) but what this means is that when we do something like painting or math for instance, neurons in certain centres of our brain fire (release neurotransmitters into the synaptic space between neurons) and activate the neurons next to them to fire as well in a sort of chain reaction. Sometimes these are called pathways. Imagine that the more you practice painting or math, the more times you walk down the pathway, you wear in the trail. It gets easier and easier to walk that pathway: you can put down your machete, you’re no longer stumbling and losing your way. Eventually these neurons that fire together, wire together. They create a strong network that fires in unison. This process happens in everything we do, from practicing a skill to overindulging in emotions like anger, and it actually shapes our brains. Unused pathways whither away. Frequently travelled pathways become like super-highways. Melodie from Breastfeeding Moms Unite left a comment on a recent post in this series that really startled me into thinking about this topic in a new way. I had all of the info to make this leap myself but it wasn’t until I read her comment that it all clicked. I know that I am a direct product of my education. I am very concrete and literal, and have a need to get things Right. It’s not something I want to pass on to my kids. I’ve always thought that I did well in school because my brain happens to be organized in the way that the school system is organized. My linear, chronological brain is perfectly in line with a linear, chronological, orderly school system, right? My husband with his right-brain, lateral, spatial thinking is one of the ones who struggles in this set up, right? This is partly true. But wait a minute, according to “neurons that fire together, wire together,” according to Dr. Siegel’s TED talk on how over-emphasis on academics actually changes the architecture of the brain, I am actually a product of our school system. Yes, I probably had an advantage in the beginning because I do have a preference for linear thinking. But over the years, the school system wore that pathway deeper and deeper into my brain’s structure. I see myself in Melodie’s quote above. I think sheepishly of some of my rigidness, my perfectionism, my inability to go with the flow. I think back to the enrichment program in grade 4 when we did a unit of art appreciation on Marc Chagall and in the end painted our own autobiographical Chagall impression. I think of the other skills I have...
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